Matt's given us reviews of both Kitchen Nightmares (the UK version of which I enjoyed very much, and which also starred Gordon Ramsay) and Moonlight, the vampire detective series airing on CBS.

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Kitchen Nightmares

(FOX, Wednesday, 8,00)

Kitchen Nightmares is a fantastic program.  If you are not watching it, and I know that you aren't, I am a little upset with out.  Here is the premise:  A chef with a temper goes into restaurants that are going very poorly and he fixes the restaurant by changing the menu, revamping the facilities, and verbally beating the staff into submission.  There is always one person in the restaurant that is particularly useless or crazy.  At some point, this person flies off the handle and does something ridiculous, crazy, or ridiculous and crazy. 

The restaurants generally get fixed up and have some level of success.  This may seem repetative and formulaic, but I really don't care.  You always come back for more and hang through the commercial breaks to see that horrible thing will happen next.  Gordon Ramsay is a dynamic personality and I demand you worship him.  You sodding slapper.

Kitchen Nightmares: FOX, Weds, 8,00. A

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Moonlight

(CBS, Friday, 8,00)

Moonlight is a program that is about a Vampire that is a private detective. He is primarily employed by a richer vampire friend of his that is trying to keep the secret of vampires from getting out to the general public. There is a twist however, this vampire isn’t evil as most of them are; he is a good guy. He tries to protect civilians as well as the vampire secret. In other words, nothing about this show is new. The good guy vampire thing is common, as I am sure you know. The vampire community protecting their secret from the outside world is also not a new idea…at all. In fact, there is a whole book series and video games centered around this particular idea as well.

The show also features a poorly executed self narration scheme that makes me feel dumber for having listened to it. In this first episode, a plot twist is featured where it turns out the hero knew the primary reporter that just happens to follow the cases that the Vampire P.I. when she was a child. In fact, he saved her life from another vampire when she was a child. Now, the thing of this is that you, or at least I, was able to deduce this about 5 minutes into the show.

So, my final grade on this show really hinged on “is the plot of this show (a vampire detective) enough to raise the show's grade above a D?” No. No it is not. For a regular TV show, it is not even close. If the show were on at the same in the era of The Pretender-Walker Texas Ranger-The Profiler, the show would fit right in on that Saturday line up. However, as that is not the case, the show is a D. I cannot give the show an F because it could be worse, but it is so very weak.

Moonlight: CBS, Fri, 8,00. D 

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If Matt had a blog, I'd link to it here, but it seems he does not, so let him know what you think in the comments. 

Three episodes is about what it takes to determine just what level of fantastic or horrible a TV show will be. And so I present to you this season's third episode updates and final/near final grades. (The original reviews are linked in the show titles.)

Life

(NBC, Wednesday, 9,00)

I gave up on watching procedurals a few years ago. After watching every CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Bones, Medium and... I feel like there was another one. Anyway, after watched every episode of each one of these shows for an entire season (a total of appx. 154 episodes worth), I was simply done with procedurals. I didn't ever need to see another one, and it would seem that whenever I would take on a new one in the fall, or catch an episode of one of these previous shows out of the blue for whatever reason, it would be tremendously satisfying at first. I mean, that's why these shows are so popular: there's tremendous narrative closure at the end of episode. And that narrative closure comes in form of justice being served. And that's just... narcotic, in a lot of ways.

But after just a little while, the format gets stale: there's no variety, there's no push, there's no real interest: the same thing is going to happen, week after week after week. And so that may be the case with Life, right now. I may still be in the honeymoon period, before putting the bad-guy in jail every goddamn week gets a little old but Life is just really, really good. There's excellent balance between Charlie Crews' readjustment to society and his police work. And the police work seems, thusfar, to be varied and interesting in a way that's uncommon to procedural shows. I just can't explain how good it is. Charlie Crews is wierd, sure, but in a completely germane way. I just love it. It's great.

Final grade: A

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Dirty Sexy Money

(ABC, Wednesday, 9,00)

DSM, as I'm going to call it, 'cause I can't type the full title w/o feeling embarrassed that I actually like the program---anyway, the point: DSM is the surprise of the fall season for me. I almost didn't even watch it because of how little I liked Donald Sutherland on Commander in Chief, but I'm glad I did because, damn, it's good and it's funny and a little surprising, week after week. The show still runs aground a little when it attempts more drama, but the humor is great, and germane (until in Big Shots, but we'll come to that) and the drama seems to be improving week after week.

The show's got heart, but not so much heart that it punches you in the face. Peter Krause (and the entire cast, really) seem great, and the writers are doing a good job of spreading the stories around without getting us too hung up on any one subplot. All in all, just excellently conceived and executed. Too bad it's on up against the only other genuinely excellent show of the fall, Life.

Final grade: A-

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Chuck

(NBC, Monday, 7,00)

Chuck continues to be funny and engaging. It's going to get annoying soon if none of the continuing plots advance at all. Two episodes worth of dog-paddling after the pilot is OK, three will start to spell disaster. The show feels like it's starting to find the right balance between its characters, and the right level of geekiness/awkwardness of Chuck. I'm curious to see him come out of his shell a little.

Final grade: B-

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Big Bang Theory

(CBS, Monday, 7,30)

Still unexpectedly quite funny. Leonard has become the real heart of the show and you've got to love any program where Sara Gilbert shows up. Plus: where do you regularly hear references to the Green Lantern and literate MMORPG jokes? Almost nowhere. (After betraying his raiding party: "I'm a loner and a dark elf and a theif. Don't you people read character descriptions?") Big Bang Theory, it turns out, is pretty great. Best new comedy.

Final grade: A-

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Journeyman

(NBC, Monday, 9,00)

Could go either way. I've not watched episode three yet: which is not a good sign as it aired five days ago. At this point, it could go either way. Down would be easy, particularly if this stuff with Livia doesn't start to pay dividends soon. (Where by "soon" I mean "in the episode I've already tivoed.)

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Cavemen

(ABC, Tuesday, 7,00)

Cavemen is mindbendingly bad. The only jokes that are cave-man related are simply easy racial jokes that have been repurposed. And the show is not all that funny. I laughed once during episode two. And I'm an easy laugh. ...so.... Yeah. Don't watch it. It's as bad, or worse, than you thought it would be.

Final grade: F

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Reaper

(The CW, Tuesday, 8,00)

Reaper is also no good. Not Cavemen bad, but simply not very good. I can't get over how meandering the plot feels each and every week. There's no forward momentum, either in the single episode plots or in the multi-episode arc. And it's just so... lame. From beginnning to end. Just... lame. Teevee.net has a relatively good takedown. I encourage you to read it.

Final grade: D

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Kid Nation

(CBS, Wednesday, 7,00)

I'll admit, I've not actually watched Kid Nation since episode two, but I hear that they've made the beauty queen cry. Which makes me so very happy. Never, I think, has a nation been so united in wanting to see a little kid get her comeuppance to such a degree. Which kind of makes me happy, because boy does/did she deserve it. I said it before and I'll say it again, it's as though the show isn't very good but still somehow very, very important.

Final grade: C?

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Pushing Daisies

(ABC, Wednesday, 7,00)

Pushing Daisies is interesting, but it's only aired two episodes so far. I need more information before issuing a final judgment. But you should watch it: it's certainly interesting. And Chuck is a total babe.

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Back to You

(FOX, Wednesday, 7,30)

Back to you is, quite simply horrible. I called it right in my first review. There is nothing either a) inventive or b) interesting about this program. And Grammar and Heaton as people who are just shitty to each other? No thanks.

Final grade: D

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Bionic Woman

(NBC, Wednesday, 8,00)

Bionic Woman is shaping up into quite the little series. Sure, it's dumb, but it's not dumb in an insulting way, it's dumb in an "it's genuinely geeked to be doing some really kind of hacky stuff" way. So, the long and short of it is: it could still go either way. It will never be a great series. This is not Lost or Grey's or really any show that's worth watching every week, but with a good mix of weekly-story and continuing story, it could be the kind of thing that you watch whenever you feel like it.

It's definitely not the kind of show you're going to fall in love with, but it's a good way to kill an hour. It's exciting, there's fighting, yet it doesn't seem to be shaping up to be the same thing week in and week out: a bonus that can never be underestimated. Sarah Corvus' humanity and the dastardlyness--intentional or not--from the elder Anthros is quite interesting. As long as Isaiah Washington's complete inability to act doesn't overwhelm the other reasonably non-shitty things that are going on, the show should shake out to be OK.

Final grade: C

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Private Practice

(ABC, Wednesday, 8,00)

I've not watched in since the pilot and don't plan to. There's just no way it can be not horrible. It's just not the show for me.

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Cane

(CBS, Tuesday, 9,00)

Cane is terrible. Do not watch it.

Final grade: F

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Carpoolers

(ABC, Tuesday, 7,30)

I'll admit, I've not watch episode two. Yet. I'm going to go ahead an bet that it's as bad as the first one was, though.

Final grade: D

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Big Shots

(ABC, Thursday, 9,00)

I stand by my assesment that Big Shots is Desperate Housewives for men. It's so very... kitschy? Campy? Horrible? Well, it's like DH, but with none of the dramatic elements. It's just... not good. It seems so very... crassly concieved and execute. Which is a shame, because the cast is great. But watching rich guys be dicks? Not particularly fun. And it's not actually "funny" which is a shame, because it's trying so very, very hard. Which makes it less likeable. Play hard to get, comedy on TV. Learn from Dirty Sexy Money.

Final grade: D

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Shows yet to premiere: Samantha Who? (ABC, Monday, 8,30) and Viva Laughlin (CBS, Sunday, 8,00). Should be interesting. I'll let you know once they air.

Oh, and Matt's gonna file a review of Moonlight here sometime soon. 

BB: Public radio station won't air Ginsberg's HOWL because of fear of FCC fines.

America makes me sad. 

A good primer on the current state on SCHIP.

Ed Gillespie lies--just lies!--to Robert Siegel and then gets the smackdown, NPR-style. 

Carpoolers

(ABC, Tuesday, 7,30)

Carpoolers matches well with Cavemen in the fact that they are both terrible and both entirely about dude and both about annoying dudes at that. Fred Goss is kind of funny, but Jerry O'Connell is at his Tom Cats worst here. Or his Sorority Boys worst. Your choice.

The writing is lackluster and unfocused. The funniest joke involves someone getting hit with a car. But when you can't make that same person getting hit by a car a second time funny? You're really out of your depth.

Carpoolers: ABC Tues, 7,30. D.

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Pushing Daisies

(ABC, Wednesday, 7,00)

Pushing Daisies is a strange, strange program. If you liked the look and sensibility of Amelie, or, I hear, Big Fish, you will like the strange sensibility of Pushing Daisies. The setup: Ned has an amazing power. Ned can bring people back to life. If he touches them, the come back from the dead, just as if nothing had ever happened to them. Well, not exactly just. But they are able to walk and talk and interact and such. After a minute of this, though, someone else must die to take their place. But that's OK, because if Ned touches the first dead person again, they die; this time for good. He's been using this power, with a private investigator, to solve murders and get the rewards. Ned is a piemaker.

Where the story really starts rolling is the fact that when Ned was young, he loved a girl named Chuck. Chuck moved away, and was eventually killed. And there was a reward, so Ned brought her back. And kept her back because he loves her.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep this short and all this whimsy is starting to grate on me. So, if you don't like whimsy, don't watch. For the love of god, don't watch. Because that's most of what the show is: whimsy. And the heart-rending sadness that though Chuck and Ned both are beginning to suspect that they love each other, they can never touch, or she will die.

How this show goes for more than seven or twelve episodes, I have no idea. The look is intense, and I appreciate the differentness of the premise, but if every episode is as twee as the first, I'm going to put my fist through the TV.

And I love my TV.

So here's hoping they aren't.

Pushing Daisies. ABC, Weds, 7,00. B. 

Kottke: Unbelievably enormous coconut crab.

Slate: Why hockey needs a relegation system.
An elegant and effective solution. What do I need to do to put you in a system of relegation today, NHL?

BB: Birds "see" magnetic fields.

Strippers make more when ovulating.
We are controlled 100% by the part of our brain we don't know about.

(ABC, Tuesday, 7,00) 

I really, really would like to say more about Cavemen, but three lines is really all it needs:

Cavemen is so very bad, just as we knew it would be.

Once you figure out that this is just a show about race relations--where "caveman" = "black man" and "white people" = "stupid people"--it loses any interest it might once have held.

I mean, seriously: that's the only source of jokes that aren't lame relationship jokes, so...

Cavemen: ABC, Tuesday, 7,00. F. 

Fire him. Excommunicate him. Make it clear that you do not agree, Catholic church.

You've got to.