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"Fucks" and it's derivatives, per minute on film: a ranked list.

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3d charts and why they lick.

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Nemesis: it may kill us, eventually. It also may not exist.

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Funny Zork-style game of the invasion of Iraq.

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That sweet ass Ovechkin goal.

Sydney Crosby is a preening fop compared to the burly awesomeness that is Alexander Ovechkin.

And I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

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The phrase 'mood-altering cat parasites' is worthy of being a band name.

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The fiend behind Comic Sans MS speaks!

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Spam literature.

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Kinsley on the idiocy of the delivered or bought newspaper.

It's pretty funny, in it's own dry, nerdy way.

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Fake your data better with Benford's law.

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Hey, I've got a question for you all: do you ever have serialized dreams?
Like, sometimes, I'll have a dream that seems, somehow, incomplete, and then days or weeks later, I'll have what was about the last third of that dream over again along with an ending, usually, and sometimes they stretch into a third part.

So, I'm taking a survey. How often do you have what I've described above as 'serialized' dreams?

A) Never, because I'm crappy at remembering my dreams.
B) Never, because that's wierd.
C) Once or twice, and I dream a lot.
D) Once or twice, and I dream a little.
E) Sometimes.
F) All the time.

For my money, the single greatest movie line of the past twenty years comes from "Mallrats." It's as follows: "You're both retarded for each other."

And I'll explain why: it's simple. It's concise. It says something I'd never seen said before and sometimes need to say myself. 'Nuff said.

//

STAN LEE: Don't you want a cool character for you car?
NERD: But only Batman fits in my Batmobile.
BART: Stan Lee's still here?
COMIC BOOK GUY: Stan Lee never left.
STAN LEE: Look, The Thing fits just fine. He's fitting right now!
NERD: You broke my Batmobile!
STAN LEE: Broke, or made it better?
COMIC BOOK GUY: I'm starting to get the impression that Stan Lee's mind is no longer in mint condition.

//

In celebration of my buying of Clerks X on DVD (with a gift certificate, natch), here's a smattering of Clerks-related stuff:
Roger Ebert's original review of Clerks.
I once read a poll where people of generation X had picked "Clerks" absolutely overwhelmingly as the movie that most closely represented their life / the way the felt about their life. I think that's pretty hip.
The teaser for the completely unnescessary Clerks 2.

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 I may be coming late to the Imogen Heap party, but after watching her be increadible (and stripped down) on Letterman, I bought the song 'Goodnight and Go' from iTunes and, I tell you what, it rocks socks, even when you listen to the lyrics closely, where ohsomuch music falls apart, it just kicks it up another notch. I'd still love to own the live-version, but the album version is a good enough simacularum.

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If I don't get in to graduate school, the first steps I took today toward getting certified to teach in Texas will be important, come fall.

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A link round up tomorrow, probably. This is not an empty promise.

Some of you may remember the prayer I posted before the season began to the king of all terminated-before their time-shows, Sports Night. Well, now that it's midseason, I think it's time we offer up another prayer to Sports Night, thanking it for the benevolence it's shown and asking for guidance coming to terms with the loss of some of our favorites.

Oh, Sports Night, we know that you provided valuable exposure to many actors, like Peter Krause, Joshua Malina, Felicity Huffman and that girl who played Natalie. Without you, we may not have gotten to enjoy these actors in other parts. For that, we are thankful.

And, dear Sports Night, help us to see that all great shows go on to play on the big TV station in the sky, whether we realize it now or not, and regardless of how painful their final seasons as shadows of their former selves were. Thank you for bringing into you our soon to be departed loves 'The West Wing' and 'Alias,' both mercifully taken before they could reach 'ER'-like depths of crappiness. 'Will and Grace' has dwelt in the quality basement for sometime, but thank you for letting it go with what little dignity it has at the end of a full season.

Oh, Sports Night, we implore you, let 'Crumbs' go the way of 'Hot Properties,' 'Emily's Reasons Why Not,' and, hopefully, 'Jake in Progress' which you in your infinite programming wisdom declared still-born.

Sports Night, we thank you for letting 'Scrubs' return, finally, after a too long hiatus, and we ask ourselves why you might allow the show to be moved to the same network that too soon ended your run. We ask also for the wisdom to understand why 'Arrested Developement' has yet to be picked up, after being so cruelly canned, though we do thank you that its final episodes will be shown, even if it's during the opening ceremonies for the Olympics.

Thank you, oh Sports Night for reinvigorating 'Saturday Night Live,' and giving it new strength in the guys from the lonely island and Jason Sudeikis, though it's not 100% funny, we understand that it never was and thank you that we no longer have to site Amy Pohler as the funniest thing on the show.

Thank you, also, Sports Night, for giving 'Futurama' new life, even if it's not on broadcast, and thank you also for keeping a zombie version of 'Friends' from polluting our airwaves, hearts, and NBCs already tattered schedule.

Thank you for taking 'Threshold' before it got too crappy, and thanks for keeping 'Invasion' strong, in part, probably, because your director, Thomas Schlamme, is a force behind it.

Please help us to understand, even while we are thankful that you've graciously allowed good new shows like 'Bones' to continue, why you took from us the best new drama of last fall, 'Reunion,' without even airing all the episodes and without letting us know who the damn killer was while the scourge 'Joey' continually threatens to return to almost-too-stupid-for-its-own-good NBC.

Please let "Teachers" not be crappy or too quickly canceled, as with 'Heist' from the almost too awesome Doug Liman.

Please let none of the three-total shows that we watch on UPN and the WB ('Gilmore Girls,' 'Related' and 'Everbody Hates Chris') be lost in the folding together of these two networks into the terribly named 'the CW.'

Grant us the strength, oh Sports Night, to let go of shows that are truly terrible but for some reason we watch, like 'Freddie' or, for some of you, 'Desperate Housewives.'

And finally, please let any further shows which are unfairly taken from us be taken with no unaired episodes in the can.

In the name of the DVD-box-set, the broadcast network and syndication we come to you praying as we have been taught:
Live from New York, I'm Dan Rydel, here alongside Casey McCall, those stories plus...

Two of Matt's great loves come together at last: Van Gogh and Air Conditioning.

If only sports and TV could be folded in there, too. Imagine the possibilities...

Video of a British TV show playing with thermite.

My favorite part is when they diss the French.

No, wait, my favorite part is when they MELT THROUGH A CAR.

A French car.

"Emily's Reasons Why Not" and "Jake in Progress" have both been put on indefinate hiatus. I was right and am ruler of all things TV related. (Though it didn't take a genius to see it coming.)

//

Crumbs (ABC, Thursday, 8,30)
Jane Curtin is no longer funny. I don't think William Devane ever was. They are both not funny together in this show which takes a pretty funny premise and ruins it--RUINS IT--with horrible, horrible, sub-seasons-with-Rebecca-on-Cheers level writing. Fuck. Fred Savage is pretty good, though, and so is the girl who plays his old friend (and Prom-beard), though hers is just a bit-part, which is a shame. Oh, yeah, that's right, they made Kevin Arnold gay. Not that there's... no, wait, fuck "Seinfeld." I'm just saying: Gay, not a problem. Taking a generational icon and making his character gay for, it seems like, no particular reason other than to squeeze a few more unfunny jokes into your pilot? Not cool. Preliminary show grade: D.

"InJustice" (In Justice) (ABC, Friday, 8,00)
The show title is technically "In Justice" but "InJustice" is a better title, as it deals with a group of lawyers/legal aids trying to get people out of jail, i.e. to rectify a... wait for it... injustice! Anyway, the show's alright, but, as Matt pointed out, since every episode centers around either a) the malfiecence of the justice system or b) malevolence of the police, it's not exactly the formula for an uplifting show. It's a nice change from the 'Let's nail the bastard!' cop shows like "Law and Order: SVU" and "CSI: Miami," and it's quite competently put together and acted and written, and it's nice to see the wiseacre nun from "Joan of Arcadia" back now as a wiseacre legal aide, but ultimately one thing ruined the show for me: the sound of jail-bars closing as they transitioned into EVERY commercial break. We get it, they're wrongly imprisoned. Preliminary show grade: C+.

Love Monkey (CBS, Wednesday, 9,00)
Tom is an A&R rep. In trying to convince himself in voice over that his girlfriend is not crazy, he thinks: "Alright, so our musical tastes don't exactly line up. She prefers to listen to Jewel and weep; I prefer music." If that didn't convince you, I'm not sure what will. But lets try this: Tom Cavanaugh, who is apparently Canadian, is good as Tom Farrell, and the show's got Judy Greer, who is awesome. BONUS: it's a show about looking for love / working at a cool job in New York and it's, get this, actually filmed in New York! Seriously, though, the show's well written, Tom Cavanaugh's a gem, and, I know, who needs to watch another show about trying to find love in New York, but the combination of the good music we get through Tom's job and the fact that it's actually funny make for a potent combination. Prelimiary grade: A-.

//

Updates:

Four Kings (NBC, Thursday, 7,30)
Slightly above average for all-time sitcom writing, average for current sitcom writing, with an average premise? Sounds like my prelimiary grade of C+ stands.

The Book of Daniel (NBC, Friday, 8,00)
Still far too multi-plotted. I refuse to follow 7 plots in 42 minutes worth of show-time, particuarly when 4 of them are crappy. Show Grade: C-.

SNL
SNL has been good of late. If you stopped watching, perhaps start watching again. Scarlett Johansson was good, as was whoever hosted the week before. Steve Fucking Martin hosts with Prince as the musical guest. Yes, the times, for SNL, they are a'changin'. CORRECTION: Apparently, the Bad Plus, as previously reported, will not be on SNL--at least, they haven't been announced if they are. They were to be the other half to Steve Martin, where I originally read it and either couldn't commit or got bumped. But how truly bad-ass would that have been?

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Reminder: We cannot be friends if you're not watching "Scrubs" (NBC, Tuesday, 8,00 and 8,30 Central), "The Office" (NBC, Thursday, 8,30) and "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS, 7,30, Monday).

"...a U.S. judge was right to bar the teaching of ID as science because it's wrong 'to stray from the field of science while pretending to do science.'"

The Catholic church and I finally agree on something!

Well, except that I don't believe it's 'wrong' so much as 'misleading,' or 'incorrect' and that wrongness is a package concept we'd do better to explore rather than lean on, much like 'evil.'

But for the most part, we agree.

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Bombzilla.

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Speed-bomb-photography.

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Wreath-alot.

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Old people? Smart? The hell you say.

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Cats v. HDTV

I don't know why I find the concept of that just so, so funny.

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Most of these links are via digg, whose digg spy feature is off the charts awesome.

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Toothpaste for Dinner puzzler: find the grad student.

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Domestic spying started BEFORE 9/11.

Now, this doesn't prove that it was done in bad-faith or that it wasn't done in order to combat terrorrism, but it does show how stunningly ineffective this "vital program" is, if it didn't stop, or even hear about, 9/11.

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Stunning 29mb picture of the center of the Milky Way that is so awesome, I could die. Think about it: each one of those points of light is a star. It's crazy.

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The books literary critics are ashamed not to have read.

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Keifer Sutherland as Jack Bauer + Japanese product 'Calorie Mate' = Hilarity.

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This, to me, is the greatest idea in the history of public access.

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Paul Reiser has a pilot deal with CBS! Sweet!

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Dead dog shaped purse. I kind of (read: really) want one.

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Marching band does field show with Halo 2 music. [By way of Chris Farmer]

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"What's your dangerous idea?"

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And now, a picture of Mary-Louise Parker holding a trophy.

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Now that my graduate applications are done, I am actually writing again. (I'm shocked, too.) So this is me knocking the rust off. Take it to task for not being good at what it's trying to do. Dooooo iiiiit. (And as always, these are fictionalizations drawn from tiny moments that were one or two of the images in the poem.)
-------

Scenic Loop Cafe

It was as I would have written it ten years ago:
you laughing, at gentle peace beside me with
the wind outside and the arched cut-limestone doorways

of where you would have had your rehearsal dinner,
black night held back by the sagging strands of bulbs.
You were reclaiming it, even as you gawked silently

at menu prices and ordered anyway the crab cakes.
Reclaiming it, at 10.99 for four and 12.99 for six.
We ordered beer and drank and ate their complimentary

queso and marveled at what had just recently between us
dissipated. No longer did the gentle curve of your again-short
hair to your chin demand my attention. No longer did the mole

just the left of your mouth tent within me that
airy circus of desire. No more did the curve of your stomach,
anchored by that silver belt-buckle we bought together,

suggest to me that place within I had wanted our children to start.

----
The syntax is strange, I know, but I think it might work anyway. And I might just think that because I haven't written a damn word in three months. Are the images trite? Are they too abstract? What about the theme? Boring? Would it be better if I replaced all the words with different words and made it about something else? You tell me.

Wheat-in-the-Ear

You stand between the cedars and the green spruces,
Brilliantly naked
And I think:
    What are you,
    A gem under sunlight?
    A poised spear?
    A jade cup?
You flash in front of the cedars and the tall spruces,
And I see that you are fire--
Sacrificial fire on a jade altar,
Spear-tongue of white, ceremonial fire.
My eyes burn,
My hands are flames seeking you,
But you are as remote from me as a bright pointed planet
Set in the distance of an evening sky.

--Amy Lowell, from her book "Pictures of the Floating World."

I keep picking Amy Lowell because she's a) dead, and I doubt her estate will bother me about republishing her work, and b) a lot like me, in that I think there are moments when her poems are very interesting and original before they sink back into their own unambition to be anything but the small things they are.

the boyfriend: Are there any cans of coke left?
the girlfriend: No, I drank the last one but maybe the store's still open ... *looks at clock* No, BUT IT'S 11:11! MAKE A WISH!
the boyfriend: i wish for a can of coke.

from thingsmyboyfriendsays.com, by way of Data-What.

There are other, funnier ones. But I like that one. Enough to blog it, apparently.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but why does anyone give a crap that James Frey made up most/all/parts of his memoir? IT'S A MEMOIR, people. Making shit up's kind of the point of the exercise. "This is what my life would've been like if it were a good book" is a memoir's unspoken thesis. And, anyway, it doesn't stop the book from being good not should it change our valuation of it. Whether something's true or not doesn't change whether or not it's compelling. Even if you've been lead to believe the events are real. Just like the movie "Fargo" isn't based on actual events, though the movie insists so at the beginning, doesn't make that wood-chipper scene any less revolting/awesome. Now, admittedly, I've never read the book, nor have I read or seen anything about the differences between what he claimed the book to be (presumably, at least based on his life) and what it turned out to be (largely, not, as near as I can tell). But I gotta tell you: did you seriously expect a literary memoir to be accurate? If you did, you may or may not be a dumb bastard.

Matt, you're the only person I know that's actually read the thing (I think), what effect did these developments have on your opinion of the book? Any one else have an opinion (informed or otherwise)?

I bring you four new TV reviews!

"Four Kings"
NBC, Thursday, 7,30 Central
The problem with "Four Kings" this week was not any of the guys. Josh Cooke is not as wonderfully cast as he was in "Committed," but I'll deal with that. Seth Green is as funny as anything I've seen him in, but basically plays to his core strength of being Seth Green. The other two were fine. The one they're in the process of trying to de-unintentionally-gay was pretty wooden, but other than that, they were fine. No, the problems in this episode were two-fold: the women and that it was a pilot. The women were both actresses I really enjoyed, but their parts were terrible. Kathryn Hahn, who I just go gaga for on "Crossing Jordan" just really hammed it up as Sharon, the loud, Brooklynite mother or twins who breaks up with Seth Green's character. Not cool. And Kiele Sanchez, good as therapist Anne on "Related," was completely one-dimensional as the selfish girlfriend Josh Cooke's Ben had to break up with. The other problem (that it was a pilot) will be resolved soon. I can't recommend it yet, but since there's nothing else on at 7,30 on Thursday, you might check it out anyway. Grade for the pilot: C. Preliminary grade for the series: C+, but we'll need to see more before I can be sure.

"Book of Daniel"
Friday, NBC, 9,00 Central
Twenty minutes into "The Book of Daniel"s two hour premiere I would have rather taken my own life than continued on. But continue I did, for you, dear reader, and immedeately after making that decision Jesus popped up in pill=popping-Episcopal-priest Daniel's passenger seat. After making the silent "Jesus is my co-pilot" joke to myself, I actually enjoyed the show for about a minute and a half. The probelm with the show is that it's over-determined. Everything's been mapped. And it's all been densely packed, so each of the seven continuing stories gets some advancement in the show's 44 minutes. That doesn't mean that there's any feeling of progress in any of the stories, though. Maybe, a little, on a plot or two. But mostly it has just bitten off more than it can chew. And I really, really fucking hate that morph to stain-glass they do before each commercial break. Fuck that noise, that sucks. Anyway, the second episode of the two-episode opening salvo NBC put on was infinately better than the first episode. And the preview for the third looked even better, so... I'll keep watching. But that's because the only other thing on on Friday is the Sara Gilbert vehicle "Twins." The whole night, that's it. And I need more than that. I just do. First episode grade: D. Second episode grade: C+. Preliminary show grade: C

"Emily's Reasons Why Not"
Monday, ABC, 8,00 Central
You know what's lazy writing? The bitchy assistant who stole her former boss' idea to get a promotion. It's just lazy writing. And I won't go so far as Dana Stevens and call the Asian woman playing said bitchy assistant an uncle tom, but she's not wrong, I think. It's mostly the laziness of the writing of said character that pisses me off most. So lazy. Most of the writing on this show is lazy. Lazy. And you know what, you've got a network show in prime-time, maybe you have another cup of coffee and take another crack at punching up your script, alright? Or, you know what, send it to me. I'll punch it up for free. Also, the setup is hokey. Preliminary show grade: D+

"Jake in Progress"
ABC, Monday, 8,30 Central
This show flamed out after a couple of episodes aired a year ago. And I can see why. It is not good. I like the ex-girlfriend that's getting married, though, so I won't delete it from the tivo yet. It's a resonably good match, style-wise, for "Emily's Reasons Why Not," but, really, another person looking for love in NYC? If you're not a Stamos-addict (and why the fucking hell would you be?) then this is the definition of skip-able. D

Just to note:
If you're not watching "Scrubs" (NBC, Tuesday, 8,00 and 8,30) then we can't be friends any more. Ditto "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS, Monday, 7,30), the best multi-camera sitcom in years, and "The Office" (NBC, Thursday, 8,30),  pound for pound, the funniest show on TV.

Engadget, in a Matt-life fashion, decides that a non-airconditioned future is a future they want no part of.

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The best explication of lobbying I've ever read.

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And it keeps them from getting pregnant, you say? That's retardedly ironical.

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I maintain that if ever stopped at a random roadblock that I will not submit to a breathalyzer test because I hold that random stops are unconstitutional. From the way they're being employed these days, I think I'm right.

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Modern American architecture and the McMansion.

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This Hinkley shit's way more complicated than I first thought.

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The Spaced Penguin sequel.

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If you are not watching "Scrubs" then you are one stupid bastard.

It came back January third, and their showing episodes from 8-9 (Central) every Tuesday on NBC. You also ought to buy the first and second seasons on DVD. The ability of the show to change emotional tenors on a dime is worth the price of admission alone. Not to mention that it's hilarious. And the music's terriffically matched with the show, too--the first episode of the second season features Colin Hay (of Men at Work) for almost the entire opening sequence, popping up in various places around the hospital, and it's brilliant. (Here's the song he plays during that sequence [iTMS]. It's pretty hip on it's own, but once you've seen it on Scrubs, you won't be able to not see the matching video when listening to it.) And the episode where Del Amitri's "Tell Her This" kicks in in the closing minutes is beyond priceless. Why aren't you watching/purchasing it now?

Oh! And the full-on theme from Scrubs is awesome, too. Banjo + theremin = crazy auditory deliciousness.

Read this post of Matt's for the low down on what this is about. And then do it yourself, either in his comments, my comments, your own blog or both.

I like my most played list because no matter where I stop on it, I always want to include the next song, too. So I'll limit myself... though I don't know yet to what.

1) "Vision of Johanna" -- Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde (37 plays)
2) "1979 Semi-Finalist" -- The Bad Plus, Give (30)
3) "One of Us Must Know" -- Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde (29)
4) "And Here We Test Our Powers of Observation" -- The Bad Plus, Give (27)
5) "Groove Me" -- King Floyd, Swingers Soundtrack (27)
# This is the funkiest song in the history of time. That bass fill--you know the one I'm talking about--is the best thing ever recorded by man.

"Memphis Blues Again" -- Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde, (26 plays)
"I Want You" -- Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde (25)
# There's so much Dylan up in the bitch because I put on Blonde on Blonde and play along to practice my bass playing. And guitar playing, too. "Visions..." is so much higher because it's so awesome I listen to it when not playing along, too.

"16 Military Wives" -- The Decemberists, Picaresque (25)
"David Watts" -- The Jam, The Sound of the Jam (25)
10) "Since U Been Gone" -- Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway (24)
# Fuck you guys, this is an awesome rock song. It was my most listened song for a month or so, at 22 listens. That was four months ago.

"I Hear the Bells" -- Mike Doughty, Haughty Melodic (24)
"Midsize City Girl" -- Peter Malick Group, Chance and Circumstance (24)
"The Engine Driver" -- The Decemberists, Picaresque (22)
Tracks 14-17 are off Peter Malick Group's Chance and Circumstance, the first album I bought through iTunes.
18) "Judy is a Punk" -- The Ramones, Loud, Fast, Ramones (21)
19) "Tombstone Blues" -- Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited (20)
20) "Busting Up A Starbucks" -- Mike Doughty, Haughty Melodic (20)

Highlights of 21-30 include "Rudie Can't Fail" and "Spanish Bombs" by The Clash, "Peace" by Weezer, "Everybody's Happy Nowaday" by the Buzzcocks, "And Your Bird Can Sing" by the Beatles, and the one Rolling Stones song I own, "Street Fighting Man."

This represents in full my listening habits since March 2, 2005. A lot of these are so high because I threw them on playlists, "David Watts" for example.

[Twenty minutes earlier, we had been talking about Pat Robertson saying Ariel Sharon was being killed by God because God didn't like him.]

Sir turley: did you also hear that he wants to put a theme park in israel?

italisizy: I hadn't heard that-------that's so.... insane?
Is that the word I'm looking for?

Sir Turley: yeah; you can read about it here.

italisizy: That's intense.

Sir Turley: yep
I always find that when doing business with a country, its a good idea to get your name in the paper
headline in Irsaels newpaper the Ha'aretz?  "U.S. evangelist: PM's stroke tied to God's 'enmity' for Gaza pullout."

italisizy: Man. Wait--why the fuck does Pat Robertson want Israel in Gaza?
I've been trying to figure out why Pat Robertson said Sharon had a stroke, couldn't think of a reason, figured it was for being Jewish and moved on. But now, you tell me it's for pulling out of Gaza?

Sir Turley: yep.

italisizy: What the fuck?
What the fucking fuck does Pat MotherFUCKING ROBERTERSON GIVE A FUCKIGN FUCKING ABOUT FUCKIGN ISRAEL IN FUCKING .
Gaza/
Fick;/
Fuck.

Sir Turley: Exactly
welcome to my anger

italisizy: Wow. Chalk that delayed reaction up to me being uninformed. I apologize.

HAHAHAHA!

Letterman's kicker came a few moments later, when he said, "I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling that 60% of what you say is crap."

And, I say again: [clears throat] HAHAHAHA!

I can't believe I forgot to post about this earlier! NBC is going to start airing some NHL games! Starting Saturday, January 14th, apparently. Probably in order to capitalize on the fact that they have the (February-starting) 2006 Winter Olymipics, which as we all know, has hockey afoot within it.
I don't know if they'll resume afterward, but this will increase the amount of hockey I've seen / been able to see this season from 20 minutes to upwards of at least 80 minutes!